Sometimes I wonder why everyone doesn't have a dog (or two), and then I come home from work (cleaning up dog shit) to piles of diarrhea splattered all over my bedroom carpet (and onto my blue fluffy slippers). Many hours after the initial scrubbing session I'm finally crawling into bed. Wondering why the stink persists (I scoop diarrhea all day, and this is exceptionally horrible), I look under the bed to find three more piles with impressively dispersed splatters. My bed is only eight inches off the ground, requiring Joy to army crawl underneath in order to create this surprise. Furthermore, my room is not large enough for me to move my bed more than half its width in any direction, requiring several attempts to get at all the diarrhea, smearing some piles and collecting others in goopy rings around the bed legs. Finally able to access the most offensive deposit, I find it hardening into the rug's once thick and fluffy fringe. At this point I'd have to pole vault in order to get from one side of my room to the other without stepping in the massive wet spot. You'd think an elephant vomited a gut full of sewage on my carpet.

Also, why in god's name don't they put carpet cleaner in bottles capable of spraying at an angle other than vertical? Are all these "spot and stain removers" for fucking tapestries?